⚡ BREAKING NEWS ⚡

◆BREAKING: Rain is, in fact, wet — sources confirm|◆MATT refuses to comment|◆Meteorologists worldwide in shock|◆EXCLUSIVE: Clouds photographed directly above incident|◆Big Umbrella stock surges following prediction failure|◆SOURCES: Matt did not check radar before speaking|◆UPDATE: It is still raining|◆DEVELOPING: Barometer ownership records of Matt under investigation|◆WEATHER ALERT: Confidence ≠ accuracy, experts warn|◆BREAKING: Rain is, in fact, wet — sources confirm|◆MATT refuses to comment|◆Meteorologists worldwide in shock|◆EXCLUSIVE: Clouds photographed directly above incident|◆Big Umbrella stock surges following prediction failure|◆SOURCES: Matt did not check radar before speaking|◆UPDATE: It is still raining|◆DEVELOPING: Barometer ownership records of Matt under investigation|◆WEATHER ALERT: Confidence ≠ accuracy, experts warn|◆BREAKING: Rain is, in fact, wet — sources confirm|◆MATT refuses to comment|◆Meteorologists worldwide in shock|◆EXCLUSIVE: Clouds photographed directly above incident|◆Big Umbrella stock surges following prediction failure|◆SOURCES: Matt did not check radar before speaking|◆UPDATE: It is still raining|◆DEVELOPING: Barometer ownership records of Matt under investigation|◆WEATHER ALERT: Confidence ≠ accuracy, experts warn|

Photographic evidence of the rain that Matt said would stop

EXHIBIT A

MATT SAID IT WOULD STOP.
IT DID NOT STOP.

An Investigative Report | July 29, 2026

379

DAYS SINCE ACCURATE FORECAST

PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE — FILED JULY 29, 2026

CLASSIFIED REPORT

THE FACTS

(They Don't Want You To Know)

The Prediction

"Trust me, it'll clear up by noon."

— Matt, moments before disaster

Uttered with full confidence. No hesitation. No caveats. No barometer consulted.

The Reality

"47 consecutive minutes of rain. 3 umbrellas destroyed."

— Official incident report

Puddles were formed. Shoes were ruined. The sky wept. Matt was nowhere to be found.

Expert Analysis

"In 40 years of weather science, I have never seen such a catastrophic misread of cumulus formations."

— Wayne Mahar, Meteorologist To The Stars

Mr Mahar has since requested Matt's credentials be reviewed by an independent panel.

CLASSIFIED

THEORIES BEING INVESTIGATED

Our investigative team has identified several leads. The truth is out there.

☂

The Big Umbrella Connection

Was Matt paid by Big Eye Drop to suppress accurate forecasts and drive eye drop sales? Financial records are being subpoenaed.

👁

The Window Theory

Did Matt even look out the window before making the prediction? Eyewitnesses report the blinds were closed. The blinds were closed.

📡

The Barometer Gap

Sources close to Matt suggest he has never owned a barometer. Not one. Not even a novelty one. This cannot be confirmed or denied.

THE NUMBERS DON'T LIE

(Unlike Matt)

258

WRONG FORECASTS THIS YEAR

(that we know of)

APOLOGIES ISSUED

as of press time

100%

CONFIDENCE WHEN PREDICTING

inverse accuracy ratio

URGENT ACTION REQUIRED

DEMAND ACCOUNTABILITY

Sign the official petition demanding Matt issue a formal apology and permanently surrender his weather privileges.

* Petition is legally non-binding. Matt will probably still give weather opinions at family gatherings.

MATT SAID IT WOULD STOP.IT DID NOT STOP.

THE FACTS

THEORIES BEING INVESTIGATED

DEMAND ACCOUNTABILITY

MATT SAID IT WOULD STOP.
IT DID NOT STOP.